Confusion.

Of all deadlines and such good timing and of course, pressure:

This is a post written in order to fulfill the criteria of assignments for a subject in my university term. This is a post written from random thoughts and desperation in the middle of the night full of deadlines in the need to finish all criteria (or apparently my professor would not pass me that it seems).

It was written in Mann's book that "power is the ability to pursue and attain goals through mastery of one's environment", especially by a division of labor. So apparently I shall master my job as a university student. In my case, I believe I have less authority to deny the fact that I should be doing whatever I was supposed to do because it is my responsibility, and hell yeah I do realize it is my responsibility to do so.

Therefore I shall let this post be a post full of desperation. Feel free to stop reading now.

Honestly speaking, I feel incompetent in this lifestyle. I feel like I am doing the wrong choice in life, by going to this degree. I realized that I shall do something else to my liking but apparently I do not longer have the power to decide nor to speak out anymore. I should be able to accept everything as it is and let all the stress go but then...

I am tired.

Of studies, of writing essays, of not knowing anything and of researching something that is not even my liking. Of being more vulnerable and lack of education in comparison to my peers. It reminded me of a day when a wise professor told us that university is a place to either 'learn something academically' or just to 'play the game and finish it'. I always thought it will be easy to go with the later option but then again I realize that I might not belong here after all. I was blinded by the 'good' marketing system, I paid for an education not worth my time, I am tired of deadlines, and I do not feel that this is an easy game at all. I was blinded by a 'second opportunity', a 'second chance' to be able to get a degree before I am too late to get one. I realize I am not that young anymore and I have to do something about it. But then...

is this what I truly wanted? Or am I just running away again?

I think I have been running away for as long as I remembered, but I myself do not know what I am running away from. Responsibilities? I'm not even sure anymore. I should be able to overcome this, I guess I am expected to be, but why am I still looking for an answer of a question I did not know myself? I guess I still do not understand what my true power and capabilities are. These days I feel like the 'university student' title might not suitable for me after all.

A good friend once told me to stay positive and keep trying my best even though she is also struggling with her other personal matters. Another good friend once told me I need to accept the situation and learn something from these experiences because it is another necessary step of becoming an adult.

But then again, what does it mean of becoming an adult? I'm confused.
Until next time...

Because. (a short story)

A long time ago, there was us.

It may sound foolish, however,

yes, me and you, in our crazily developed own world filled with love.

Or at least that is what I used to think

because you made me think so. 

I put my trust and everything in you,

I depended on you to help me survive in this "cruel world".

Just as you prescribed me to.

I put my trust in you,

because you told me so.

I do realize that making friends is important, I thoroughly do.

But what can I do?

I was deeply entranced by you.

I was lonely but I will be alright.

Because all of them are bad people except you;

because you told me so.

By stopping myself to approach any friend,

by holding myself to not talk with the other boys,

by not talking to my family and avoiding them.

I thought it was the best for the both of us, I really do.

Because you told me to.

I didn't realize what I was doing until it is too late.

You told me everything will be fine,

you convinced me that I am the only one,

and you told me you will tell the other woman to back off. 

And I foolishly believed in your words;

because you made me think so.

I believed that it was the best for us, for me to wait for you

I realized that your heart was not for me.

Since the beginning; I was just another doll.

Therefore before I let myself be more broken.


I decided that there shall be no more "us" for all eternity.

Because I believe this would be the best for me.

I felt your anger but it was of no use, there is no more room left for you.

Call me selfish but look at you.

I was left alone but then I told myself: I am fine.

Yes, still alive. Fully functioned and breathing.

More importantly, I still have a chance to fix this all.

All for my better future.

And therefore I should fix it, and fix it I shall;

because I told myself to.

No one ever told me that life is easy,
in fact, everybody should know that it is super complicated.

No one ever told me that life is easy,
but the fact that I am still alive gives me more hope more than ever;
because I told myself so.

***

"Human beings are restless, purposive, and rational, striving to increase their enjoyment of the good things of life and capable of choosing and pursuing appropriate means for doing so.They are the original source of power." - Michael Mann

Every mistake opens a new challenge, and on every failed challenge we might suffer a crucial pain. I guess that is what every mistake taught us, and sometimes by the time we realized it, it was too late to fix it. But then again, every mistake prevents us from doing a similar one in the future so it might be a good experience. And I believe that learning by experience is better than leaning on education only. Humans are interdependent, however even though we need each other, in the end, any decision is made by ourselves.

Until next time...

Preface.

He started with a paper. It began to develop into a book. Later it would be reconstructed by general theories supported by case studies and historical artifacts. And finally after ten years, he is a proud scholar on both history and sociology terms, and all his results are tightly written in three volumes. That man is Michael Mann.

"The sources of social power: volume 1" by Michael Mann (cat not included).

Have you ever wondered on how ideas could go through our minds, giving us a vision on our thoughts and even trained our imagination? I personally wondered on how Michael Mann were able to wrote three volumes of books about power, while he himself is just a mere human being just like us. I am really sure that even with our human intelligence we have our own limits but that is what exactly made me think that Mr. Mann here is one of the most intelligent and a hardworking person ever. Nevertheless it took him ten years of research, ten years of perseverance, and ten years of questioning himself; all that to prove out his theories. However, is that all that he wanted? There should be a strong enough reason for him to be motivated to finish his writings and I am sure he must have had some...

The current me couldn't imagine writing an essay so how am I be tempted to write a whole book? Or let's say three whole books?? I knew personally it must have been tough to actually start writing. (Well, that's unless you do love to write and are used to it...) I am not a writer myself, not even a professional one either. I am just your typical non-hardworking student obliged to write research papers and reports for the next three years to be able to graduate from this institute called "university". All that just to obtain a certified certificate with my name written on it and all I could do is to hope that mere one piece of paper will give me a better future. But then, why am I struggling for something that is uncertain?

Imagine all that pressure... and deadlines. God, I hate deadlines.

I have been staring blankly between a screen full of gibberish and rubbish and all sorts of "pretty flowery" words that I typed and some heavy reference books borrowed from the library for hours, feeling both tired and slightly proud on actually doing my duty as a 'university student'. I was devastated for a moment when my laptop decided to be an arse and restarted itself, resulting in some data lost on my document and now here I am, trying to calm myself down by writing such a nonsense piece of a blog post. All one thousand words of effort were gone and I do not even know how. Or why. Or am I able to re-do all those ideas I have put together? Why am I still struggling for an essay that I will forget in the future? Or will I ever forget it though? (To put it frankly, I suppose I am doing it all for the participation marks and the grades.)

I strongly believe that success does come from failure and I could somehow imagine how Mann himself worked hard on his research. Perhaps there was one time when his idea was rejected or his papers were intentionally destroyed by others? Or perhaps he got his ideas stolen or badly influenced? That, we will never know for sure...

I might not find the answer to the universe today or sooner or later for I am not a professional scientist or whatever. I might not know when will be the time for me to be able to find the meaning of my own life (or simpler things such as will I be able to finish this one mere paper gracefully...), but when I do, I do wish that by that time I could be as motivated, hardworking and as persistent as Michael Mann himself.



Okay, let's get back to some other nonsense writing shall we?
Until next time...