Confusion.

Of all deadlines and such good timing and of course, pressure:

This is a post written in order to fulfill the criteria of assignments for a subject in my university term. This is a post written from random thoughts and desperation in the middle of the night full of deadlines in the need to finish all criteria (or apparently my professor would not pass me that it seems).

It was written in Mann's book that "power is the ability to pursue and attain goals through mastery of one's environment", especially by a division of labor. So apparently I shall master my job as a university student. In my case, I believe I have less authority to deny the fact that I should be doing whatever I was supposed to do because it is my responsibility, and hell yeah I do realize it is my responsibility to do so.

Therefore I shall let this post be a post full of desperation. Feel free to stop reading now.

Honestly speaking, I feel incompetent in this lifestyle. I feel like I am doing the wrong choice in life, by going to this degree. I realized that I shall do something else to my liking but apparently I do not longer have the power to decide nor to speak out anymore. I should be able to accept everything as it is and let all the stress go but then...

I am tired.

Of studies, of writing essays, of not knowing anything and of researching something that is not even my liking. Of being more vulnerable and lack of education in comparison to my peers. It reminded me of a day when a wise professor told us that university is a place to either 'learn something academically' or just to 'play the game and finish it'. I always thought it will be easy to go with the later option but then again I realize that I might not belong here after all. I was blinded by the 'good' marketing system, I paid for an education not worth my time, I am tired of deadlines, and I do not feel that this is an easy game at all. I was blinded by a 'second opportunity', a 'second chance' to be able to get a degree before I am too late to get one. I realize I am not that young anymore and I have to do something about it. But then...

is this what I truly wanted? Or am I just running away again?

I think I have been running away for as long as I remembered, but I myself do not know what I am running away from. Responsibilities? I'm not even sure anymore. I should be able to overcome this, I guess I am expected to be, but why am I still looking for an answer of a question I did not know myself? I guess I still do not understand what my true power and capabilities are. These days I feel like the 'university student' title might not suitable for me after all.

A good friend once told me to stay positive and keep trying my best even though she is also struggling with her other personal matters. Another good friend once told me I need to accept the situation and learn something from these experiences because it is another necessary step of becoming an adult.

But then again, what does it mean of becoming an adult? I'm confused.
Until next time...